Series: - No Series - #1
Chapters: 001 Word Count: 1657
Warning(s): Character Death
Character(s): Jethro Gibbs, Tony DiNozzo
Summary: Someone is back but it's too late
He is goneÖ He has left his job, his friends, what had made his life for yearsÖ But what hurt the most is the fact he has left me without even looking back at me.
He gave me the lead of the teamÖGreatÖI should feel proud of his trust but I donít care. I donít want to replace him in the team. I donít want to be the new boss; not because Iím not able to do it. I learnt with the best. I donít want it because HE is my boss.
He is more than that and he knew it beforeÖ before the explosion, before comaÖ he doesnít remember me, he doesnít remember what we had, what we shared in the last months.
When I saw him in that bed, my heart missed a bit. I thought I was about to loose him for good. I know there are risks in that jobÖ but loosing him would have meant loosing a part of myself. And when he opened his eyes he gave me back hopeÖ not for long.
We solved that caseÖkind ofÖIt was too much for him. The memories of the death of his daughter and wife coming back to him, the injuriesÖ But he should have trusted me enough, he should have rememberedÖ Remembered how much he meant to me, how much I loved him.
But when I looked into his eyes there was no love, there was nothing of what he had showed me in the last months. I had seen the real Gibbs; he had opened his heart to me. And I had thought it could last forever. For the first time in my life I had allowed myself to feel.
It was not a good ideaÖIt hurts too much now. I will not do the same mistake twiceÖI wonít let anyone come too close to me; I wonít let anyone hurt me the way he did.
Iím going on, doing my job, pretending to be the same Tony. But inside something is broken, something died when he turned his back to me without a word. Iím not feeling anything else than pain. Iím still smiling and joking but itís only an illusion; a mask Iím wearing.
But when I come back home the mask falls and the pain comes back, overwhelming. I spend most of the nights thinking or writing letters he will never read. I only fall asleep after long hours in the dark trying to find the reason whyÖ
Why he didnít remember us; why he chose to leaveÖ But I could only find one answer and this answer hurt more than anything else. He didnít love me enough; what he felt for me was not strong enough. He had said the words I was waiting for; he had showed me what being loved really meansÖ
But it was a lieÖ I know it now. He was lying when he talked about loveÖI canít help shivering when I think about him, his body next to mine, his touches, his kisses. I loved him so muchÖI love him so much. I canít stop loving him so easily.
What am I going to do now? I donít know. Probably trying to go on and live a day after another. I will do my job the best I can. Thatís what Gibbs would have done. But nothing moreÖmy goal now is to be the boss they are all expecting me to be.
But I have no strength for anything else. Gibbs took a part of me with him when he left. He took my heart, played with itÖplayed with my feelings. I believed him when he said he loved me; that he wanted us to build a new life together. No one had ever said that to me and I wanted to be true.
I wanted him to give me the life I had dreamt of. But Iím the only one who can do thatÖI know that now. Iíve lived alone for years; taking care of myself alone. Itís better this wayÖNo one to wait for, no one to rely on but also no one to hurt you and leave you alone when you need help.
Iím back home tonightÖalone once more. Itís been a hard day and thereís no one here to talk to, no one to share my thoughts with. Once more I can feel my eyes burn and the tears running down my cheeks.
Iím crying on my past, on the future I had dreamt to build with Gibbs at my side. Iím crying because I feel betrayedÖbetrayed by the man I love; the only person Iíve ever trusted. Iím crying because I thought it would last forever.
Iíve thought it would be easier to end it and leave this life. Yes, it would have been so easy but I canít do that. Gibbs would not have accepted it. Itís strange to think that the man who broke my heart is also the one who is keeping me alive.
Maybe I still have hopeÖhope that one day he will knock at that door, enter this room and kiss me. In my dreams, he takes me in his arms telling me he is sorry; that he loves me and will never leave me.
But when I wake up Iím alone in that bed. The only sound I can hear is my own breath; the only thing I can feel on my skin is the coldness. I donít know for how long I will be able to go on like that. Itís getting harder and harder to get up every day; to smile when Mc Gee and Ziva fight like children; to hide the truth to Abby or Ducky.
One night I will go to bed and never wake up.
ďThe old Gibbs is backĒ. I could have smiled at Mc Geeís words if it had been the truth. Yes Gibbs is back. I donít need to pretend to be a good boss anymore. But itís not the ďold GibbsĒ. He said he remembers everything.
I doubted it at first but itís obviously the truth. He is the same man I worked with for 3 years. But thereís nothing of the man who shared my life and my bed in that man. I thought it was because some memories were still missing but I know itís not the truth.
He found the perfect way to get rid of meÖpretending nothing had happened. He knows I would never ask him anything. So it will be like that between us now. He is the Boss and Iím his senior field Agent.
I should be happy to see him every day, to work at his side. But itís not enough. Itís even worse to feel him so distant; to have the proof every day that what we lived doesnít mean anything to him.
Every time he comes close to me, every time he touches me I want to yell at him; I want to hurt him, to make him feel how I feel. I wish he could see what he has done to me. Love and hate are close feelings and little by little what I felt for him is changing into something I wonít be able to stand.
I hate him because he left, because he lied, because he doesnít love me the way I love himÖBut I hate myself even more because Iím unable to forgive him.
I didnít find the words to make him stay. Maybe I didnít love him enough. I should haveÖ I donít know what I should have done.
I could talk to him and see what he has to say. But I donít even want to do that. There are words I donít want to hear.
Iím home aloneÖthinking of what had happened in the last days. Director Sheppard had offered him a new team. I should have been excited but I was just surprised. I donít want to lead another team; I donít want to lead Gibbsí team either.
The only thing I want is to have him back in my life. I want to wake up every morning with him at my side. But it wonít happen. Gibbs wonít apologize. He wonít come back to me.
I have no more hope nowÖ nothing to leave for. Ziva asked me why I was not looking at beautiful women anymore. I only smiled and didnít answer. The truth is I donít need to pretend anymore; I have nothing to hide anymore; no secret love.
But she doesnít need to know. Itís my life, my choice. I would have given him everything but he didnít accept it. I canít really blame him for that. Iíve never been good at loving people but this time I thought I had found true love.
The only thing I can say now is that the true love doesnít existÖat least not for me. I should have known better that believe him. There is only one thing to do nowÖonly one way to put an end to the pain.
Iím feeling a little weird but not in a bad way. My thoughts are getting more confused but the pain is already leaving my heart. Iím feeling good, relieved. I close my eyesÖI will soon fall asleepÖa smile on my lips.
Gibbs is back but Iím goneÖ