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Stay Casual, Be Precious

by: GetMeBeforeIGetYou (Send Feedback)

Series: - No Series - #1
Chapters: 010 Word Count: 17326
Rating: MATURE
Warning(s): Other (See Author's Note)
Character(s): Jethro Gibbs, Tony DiNozzo
Category(ies): Hurt/Comfort
Pairing(s): Gibbs/DiNozzo
Episode(s): 1-20 Missing
Summary: Can something stay casual and be precious at the same time? And can that be enough? Tony's POV in chap 1

Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

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Stay casual be precious

It was strange, really. The way things can change so quickly without noticing it yourself. Maybe not strange, but ironic. I, a federal agent, self proclaimed trained investigator and didn’t see what was right in front of me… but then again, most people don’t when it comes to their own feelings.

I guess I’m not the exception to the rule when I say that I tend to ignore uncomfortable truths. Such as being gay in a not so gay-friendly entourage (that’s putting it nicely!). Or such as having the hots for your own boss. I like to think that I can handle all this, the attraction, the mood swings, the mother-Henning when Gibbs in one of his reckless moods.

Which is more often the case then not, of course since we’re speaking of our fearless-bas-ass-second-b-is-for-bastartd-exmarine-sniper. Who just so happens to be not as straight as most people assume.

You wanna know how I got that particular piece of information? Let’s say I had some hands-on experience. It was a pretty earth shattering moment. We were investigating Pacci’s murder and of course Gibbs and I went to do the legwork. The suspicious look we got from the building manager should have been our first clue but when he asked us in all seriousness whether we were a couple or not I almost chocked on my forced laughing.

I of course denied any romantic involvement and when I turned to Gibbs to let him speak his mind I was in for a surprise. He didn’t say a thing but his look… it spoke volumes and when he winked and smirked mischievously I was close to checking myself in to the psych ward. Of course I didn’t jump him right then and there.

I kept it low, but after having been kidnapped by that crazy woman during our next case I turned up at his house the night they found us. I couldn’t be alone and I wasn’t ashamed to admit that this time I was as close to death I could have been without actually being dead… and it scared the shit out of me.

Needless to say where we ended up, I guess. I won’t say he made love to me because he didn’t. He fucked me and fucked me good, just as I had asked –no, begged- him to do. I needed to feel alive again and gentle and slow wouldn’t do. I wanted rough, hard and frantic.

And that was exactly what I got. He took me; he owned me and my body. I came so hard I almost saw stars and I got the impression that Gibbs was pretty out of it too, considering the fact that he didn’t bother cleaning up but just fell onto the bed next to me.

What came then had to be one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I turned to him and somehow landed practically lying in his arms. I’m usually not a cuddler, it totally depends on the person I’m with and my emotional state but honest to god? I wouldn’t have minded falling asleep in his arms. I know he wouldn’t let anything hurt something he considered his. However he wasn’t so glad with my course of action since all I got was a gruffy grunt and that was it.

Believe me I can take a hint and this one? A blind man could have seen it. At midnight. Wwearing sunglasses. So I did what I had to do. I sucked it up, took my clothes and left. You gotta do what you have to do.
I even went as far and started writing my resignation. When I got in to work in the morning I was ready to hand it over to Gibbs but when he acted like nothing out of the ordinary had happened I kept it. It was then when I saw my suspicions confirmed.

What we shared that night was nothing special to him. It was a fling, a one-night-stand, a casual thing between two people. I told myself to be glad he considered me attractive enough to heat the sheets with him but I knew that wouldn’t be all I wanted. It wasn’t all I wanted with Gibbs.

It took me quite a while to realise what it was that I wanted with him. I wanted to wake up in the morning with him lying next to me. I wanted to spend my free time with him. Not doing anything but being together without the pressure of being anybody else but myself. Clearly my feelings weren’t shared.

Life went on and we solved case after case. That is until my undercover assignment came in and I came even closer to death than last time. It was scary that I liked the guy so much. Jeffrey was a broken man. And on top of that a ruthless killer with no sense of morality. My ignorance almost cost me my life but maybe ignorance is the wrong word. I was totally unaware of his intentions and that scared me most. I could read people and I did it well… or so I thought until that moment.

So I got away again but I was also reminded of what had happened last time. I went to Gibbs, got fucked into next week and then rejected. I sure as hell wouldn’t make the same mistake again. Once bitten twice shy is what they say and never did I believe it more.

After all I didn’t exactly consider Gibbs’ joke with McGee very funny. White hot fury had cursed through my body when he told me that I was irreplaceable to him and then snatched it away again.

My self-esteem can only take so much and the limit is much lower with Gibbs than with other people. I guess he always has had a special place in my life. Too bad he’ll never find out just how special.

My resignation is in my hand again and I read it over. It’s going to be the last time because as of tomorrow Gibbs will have one copy and the director of NCIS too. Maybe the decision seems rushed but I had enough time to think it over. I’m burned out and the situation’s eating me up.

Pathetic, isn’t it? I, wonanizer extra-ordinaire and frat-boy for live, have feelings too, believe it or not. Many people think that I have no depth, that all I am is surface and maybe I didn’t exactly encourage them to think differently but at least my coworkers should know that there is more than meets the eye. We trust each other with our lives but right now I can’t deal with this anymore. Coming so close to death twice in a short period of time makes me reconsider if meaningless is all I want… or all I can be satisfied with.

I power up my laptop and send two emails. One is for the director and one for Gibbs. The one for Morrow is short. He doesn’t need to know what my “personal reasons” are to accept my resignation. The one for Gibbs is a little longer. I tell him that I need to move on and it’s the truth. However we’ll see if he can read between the lines and actually realize that I need to move on from *him*.

Maybe I can’t be everything for Gibbs so I’ll be nothing for him from now on. I got used to DC but something’s gotta give. It’s time to update my resume again.

The thing Gibbs and I shared probably will always stay casual but he sure as hell will always be precious to me.

Fin (for now lol)

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